Congratulations! You have just purchased Apple's latest new product in interface technology, the Apple iPhone. The Apple iPhone is a completely unique mp3 player and communication device. In order to get started please review this list of features available only with the new Apple iPhone:
1) Adjusting the appropriate setting on your new iPhone will insert a laugh track into your telephone conversations making you feel like Sienfeld/Elaine.
2) Telling the police that you have your new iPhone but not your license will get you out of a ticket.
3) Your new iPhone emits a wireless signal that interacts with the brainwaves of certain physiologies making it OK for you to say the n-word in front of black people.
4) If you type 'wtf' into your iPhone a pop-up screen will outline exactly 'wtfiu'.
5) Your new iPhone both knows and has hung out with Tom Brady. Now you can tell all your friends 'my iPhone knows Tom Brady!'
Note: Please do not ask your iPhone to introduce you. Be cool.
6) Your new iPhone is the internet.
7) All foreign language calls are translated when spoken through the iPhone.
8) Rubbing the iPhone on you dick will make it bigger.
9)Your new iPhone will imitate your voice pattern on the phone to your Nana. Download a plug-in off iTunes to enable the option of your iPhone automatically ordering delivery flowers upon her passing.
10) Um...it's a fucking iPhone.
11) When you go into a public restroom your new iPhone will utilize non-GPS tracking to pinpoint your location. As you step up to a urinal (or preferred receptacle) the sound of a gentle mountain stream will play behind your current music selection to assist your restroom experience.
12) Buying an iPhone for your son will cure him of homosexuality.
14) Enabling the Conundrum Feature will put a red button on the corner of your new iPhone screen. Touching the button will instantly kill one random person on Earth, maybe someone you know, maybe someone you don't, and put $700 in your checking account.
COMING SOON: Apple is working on a new iPhone product in conjunction with Google! The new software on each individual iPhone will compose an original new Radiohead song each day to play as your ringer.
